Dear United States Navy,
Here is a list of ways to stop the Kang Nam I for “inspections” and/or resolve this whole North Korea problem for once and all.
1.) “Leaked” reports from “top officials” in the Pentagon saying the ship is spilling oil at a huge rate and killing endangered sea life. Another source “leaks” the current location of the ship to Green Peace.
2.) “Give” the USS John McCain over to a nice small country… maybe Somalia. The “Somalian Pirates” with their new found fire power then take over the ship themselves and ransom it back to North Korea.
3.) Seal Teams. Throw the bodies over board and leave the ship abandoned after searching it. Claim it’s a new Mary Celeste
4.) ECM Pulse the Kang Nam I. Transmit false SOS signals to Taiwanese, Japanese, or South Korean ships in the area for help. And don’t even try to tell me an AEGIS Cruiser can’t create an ECM pulse.
5.) Have the US Ambassador capitulate. The Great United States will stand down in favor of North Korea. In fact, we surrender to North Korea. Here are the plans for a better long range nuclear missile, and some really cool tanks. Would you like to have dinner in your White House? Oh… and there are some guys down in the Appalachian Mountains who would LOVE to show you the United States “real” gold treasury.
6.) Say “Fuck It,” and Nuke North Korea’s capital and all it’s military bases. Hope the Chinese like their trillions of dollars of US bank notes and Treasury Bonds too much to retaliate. Disguise it as a rouge meteor strike for extra points.
7.) Send in James Bond to assassinate Kim Jong-il.
8.) Can you say “Quarantine?” Air bomb the ship with small pox, swine flu, etc, etc.
9.) Send Kim Jong-ilBritney Spears.
10.) Take all the gang members from jails around the country. Forge them into an elite military unit who’s job is assassinate Kim Jong-il. If successful, they’ll each be given freedom and will be given military weapons to take on their rivals in the streets. Or just drop them on the shores of the country and tell them it’s their new home.
11.) Air Drop billions of pounds of food and money all over the country. Add in notes saying “To the North Korean People, with love from the United States.
I’m sure there are many more options, but over all I think the Military is doing the best it can in this situation. We can’t really afford to have another war, and honestly it seems that North Korea is just itching to try out it’s new nuclear missiles anyways. If it does come to war, I hope it’s a stand off type. We only shoot at Military targets, destroy their ships and air planes. Drop aid to the population, and pray China doesn’t come in on their side.